Probably not an imposter - Lakeland 100 2019

You might, or might not, have noticed that I haven’t blogged here for a long while. I know at least two people that read this stuff and apparently enjoy it (shout out to Will Warren and Jon Kawaja).  There is a reason for this radio silence and it relates, in part, to the Lakeland 100 which I ran this past weekend.

First, a quick recap: Lakeland is essentially like a British UTMB - 105 miles, a bit less climbing (but still plenty!), and helpfully for me at lower altitude.  It is a lap of the glorious English Lake District starting and finishing in Coniston, via Wasdale, Buttermere, Keswick, Pooley Bridge, Kentmere and Ambleside. Given the love I have for the lakes it’d been on my mind for while and training had gone pretty well, although I wasn’t very well the last few weeks before the race and so not ideally prepared.  I shouldn’t have worried though, the plan worked pretty well.  I worked my way up from about 70th at checkpoint 1 to 13th overall at the finish which is by far my best Ultra result. So far. 

I was, and am, absolutely delighted as you can see in the second picture. That’s not the point of this post, however.  There are a thousand race reports out there, most better written than I can manage.  The interesting part, perhaps, relates to failing to finish the Spine race in January.  I was really sick there, and I definitely made the right call. Having had some of the life experiences of the past ten years and more, I feel like I’m reasonably self aware and have a good grip on the demons of self doubt that we all have, but something nagged at me after that DNF. Despite a good UTMB, a Bob Graham, a Dragon’s Back finish those demons whispered that really, I had failed at the Spine and I wasn’t all that.  I didn’t have any business turning up at these races, calling myself an ultra runner. Definitely, they said, you shouldn’t be writing publicly about it. You’re an imposter. My friend Jude Palmer asked me to write a post for WeRunTrail on what it was like to DNF, and I could see how it would be helpful but I just couldn’t face it. 

For a while those voices  won. I didn’t even tell many people about Lakeland, let alone post once here or on any social media about it at any point in the six months of training. What’s more, all through the 25 hours of this race, they whispered that if I didn’t finish this one, I was done with the sport. For a while, I had certainly bargained with myself that if I did finish I’d retire.  

So, what’s the message here? For me, one of the many joys of long distance running is the struggle, the overcoming. I definitely outran those voices this weekend, but I’m also aware that they’ll be back. Perhaps part of me wants them around sometimes.

I learned a while ago that when running long, it’s important to really know why you want to do it. It’s better, for me, if those reasons are predominantly about what I can do for others, rather than my own ego. I run to honour my son’s legacy, inspire my kids, but mainly because since Charlie passed away, my focus in life has been mainly about how I can serve others.  If I’m going to do that to the best of my ability, then I need to be the best version of myself that I can.  Ultra running sharpens that edge like nothing else I know. I also borrowed Amelia Boone’s mantra: “you get to do this”. I am so grateful to have the means, the health, the opportunity to run in these incredible places with amazing friends. I don’t want to be elderly, looking back on my life, thinking about the things I could have done, but didn’t. All of that together is a powerful fuel source and one which ultimately drove me on back to Coniston.

I’m sharing this because I think there’s often a perception that I don’t have these insecurities and doubts - many often say as much. We all do, and they come from a strong biological urge to keep ourselves safe, however they can be limiting. Whatever the challenge you set yourself, and it certainly doesn’t have to be an ultra, the true growth is in overcoming these limiting beliefs and building a new understanding of what you might be capable of. I wish that for all of you.

Many thanks as ever to Ian Sharman, Shane Benzie, Janson Heath, David Thunder, Mountain Fuel and Hoka One One.